The first few weeks home with a newborn can be very daunting. Along with the excitement, comes physical recovery, fatigue, anxiety, and a new lifestyle with new habits.
Sometimes family and friends are unaware of how to best support you. Sometimes you may not know yourself. So comes the question…..How can we support and love one another as we enter into motherhood?
While everyone is different, I would love to share my experience with how my friends came together to support me after the birth of my third child recently.
So here goes…
One thing I’ve always had trouble with is asking for help, but I’ve had trouble accepting help too. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty, or feel like there is an obligation to repay, especially when I’m not in the position where I am able to repay.
What I need to remember though is that many people love helping. They want to be a support in your hard times and when you are in need. Perhaps they are in a position to help so they can’t help but offer.
Not everybody like receiving meals from others. Maybe they have specific dietary requirements or preferences. Perhaps they don’t like reheating food, or they like making their own foods from specific sources such as only organic produce. Sometimes I may fall into these categories, but I am not one to hold tight to cook my own meals. I love having meals on hand to use even if they are not foods that I normally eat and I definitely prefer it to having no plan for dinner, or an empty fridge and therefore making last minute choices that may be less healthy.
A couple of days after my third child was born, I noticed a private message came through to me, and it was a friend who offered to set up a meal delivery schedule to share with my friends through a website. I initially did not like the idea of having lots of people bring me meals and having a call-out for help, so I scrunched my nose and left a message for a little while, just a few hours I think. Shortly after, I was on the phone to my mother. She reminded me to accept help if it is on offer, as people don’t offer if they don’t want to help. So, that prompted me to think about this text message more seriously. I got in contact with my friend and discussed it. I didn’t want it to look like I was desperate (even though I felt like it), but wanted it to be just a friendly open call to anybody who was willing to help.
My friend assured me it would be clear that ‘she’ was the organiser through the chosen website and people could write down their name and meal on their chosen day for meal drop-off. All the friends who sign up to provide a meal would see each others’ entries as to not overlap. How lovely is it that I didn’t need to organise anything. She kindly wrote down on the website platform that we were very tired and not likely to be ready for entertaining, so it would just be a meal drop-off for now. She also made a note to not include any spicy food. This took away so much anxiety for me. How lovely it was to have a friend to think about only lightening my load and not wanting me to feel like I had to keep my house in order for visitors to come in daily.
I was more in need of help after my third baby, then my other two. When I was still in hospital one hour from home, my two older children (one a toddler) we’re being looked after by my parents in the same town, while my husband was unwell with suspected influenza A. He was advised by the hospital staff to stay away from the children and was not permitted come to the ward without clear tests. So you can imagine I was a little bit stressed. I was thinking that after my hospital stay I would be going home with a newborn and have a toddler and a primary school child and a sick husband to look after. On top of that I had a very fast labour and birth and circumstances after the birth required extra intervention and this made me particularly sore.
In the first two weeks after I got home, I had such generous friends drop off a meal each on different days of the week. If fact, one dropped off two meals and another dropped off three. I have to say it was such a blessing that I didn’t have to think about meal preparation, or meal planning or shopping. I had nearly two weeks worth of meals, plus left overs given to us and even my toddler enjoyed most of them.
Funnily, I was worried that some people may want to stay a couple of hours after dropping off a meal, however, I ended up inviting most of my friends in when they came and most of them declined as they didn’t want to impose so early. I still appreciated their brief company of 5 minutes or so and was so blessed by their kindness.
I have reflected on the lovely experience and would encourage others to do the same for their friends when they come home from hospital. Mothers’ hands are always full and it is great to be able to support them in as many possible to reduce the load and stress in these precious early days with baby.
So a few notes for other new mothers out there:
- Let go of any pride and accept help if it is on offer or make other suggestions
- Be clear about dietary needs or requirements
- Don’t forget to write sincere thank-you notes
And a few notes to people who want to love and support their ‘new mother’ friends:
- Look into the websites/platforms to help coordinate meal drop offs so that role doesn’t fall on the new mother
- Don’t stay too long unless she is specifically asking you to
- Provide meals that may be big enough to provide left overs or tomorrows lunch
- Provide meals that include vegetables
- Provide food in disposable containers – e.g. aluminium foil dish so it reduces washing up
Like I said, we are all different and some people would seriously not like to receive meals as they don’t like other peoples cooking or they may take it as an insult to their abilities. I am not that person. However, there are so many lovely gifts that can be purchased or acts of service for new mothers that allow her to have a reduced workload or support her in motherhood or support the whole family. I have some ideas below:
- Pay for a postnatal/postpartum doula to help with the transition home
- Babysit older children for a few hours
- Pay for a nappy/diaper service
- Order an in-home massage for the mother (preferable postnatal massage)
- Mow the lawn/grass so that the father can have more quality time with the family at this time
- Take a basket of ironing and drop off when finished
- Offer to complete errands – e.g. post letters, pick up milk, or return those library books
- Kitchen appliances that will make meal preparation more efficient.
What are your thoughts? Would you like your friends to drop off meals or would you prefer some other gift or acts of service in those early days? Make sure to comment.
